Okay so I work like...non-stop. I guess it really hasn't bothered me much until now. I realized that I really don't have a social life and that I'm probably one of the last people that others want to be around. I don't know why I do this to myself but I always find myself pulling away from the good friends I once had. Maybe its because when I don't feel good about myself I just feel like pulling away from everyone and sticking to myself and family. I know with my friend Danielle I'm pulling away from her because she's going to be getting married in like October. She isn't engaged yet but they're waiting until after her birthday so she'll be 19. Its hard for me to deal with one of my best friends getting married when I'm so far away from that. Here I am with a "friend" on his mission that is coming home in 6 months and I can't help but feel like nothing is going to come from that relationship. I really want there to be something that happens with him when he comes home but so far he's been so distant from me. I'm hoping its just because he's focused on the work. I guess one of my fears is that he'll forget all about me...that he doesn't care about me anymore.
I know that shouldn't be anything to worry about and that I shouldn't even be thinking about this stuff while he's gone but...I can't help but feel kinda resentful in a way. I mean...I sent Caleb away so he could serve the Lord but by doing so I also lost him. Like really lost him...I don't know, I can't even believe I'm saying this! Caleb going on a mission is a good thing!...right? Why am I questioning it now?? Wow, something must be wrong with me.
Why do I pull away from people? Why do I pull away from my great friends I had in high school. You know, there are times when I would do almost anything to go back to High school again, just to be able to be with the friends I had there. We've all grown so apart because of going away to college and getting new lives. Its just a lot to take in most of the time.
I have my cousin that is always there for me and I'm so grateful for that. If i didn't have her then I really would be like a hermit that never saw anyone or did anything. We go to the bookstore a lot together and buy manga together...we also go to college together which is a fun thing. So i guess there is a few things that I do that is fun. Me and Heidi do a lot of things together and we really talk to each other about things. I believe that we're the closest we've ever been to each other. Its fun but there are times when I wish I had other people to hang out with.
Well...I guess this is the end for now. Unless I come up with something else to say lol.
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